Gluephenhymen!

Glue is magic. What else can you call a substance that holds the world together and tears lives apart? I can mend a shattered heirloom or bind four dildos to a quadriplegic. Look! He can walk...sort of. I could also glue cow utters to my face and live as a bearded fancy man. Anything and everything is possible. You can even pour adhesive into your head’s orifices and never have to worry about earwigs. It doesn’t get more practical than that. If nothing else, you can take the pieces of your devastated life and stick them back together. Something broken can be completely restored with glue. Does that include a broken heart? Yes! Put some glue to your face and inhale until you kill enough brain cells to forget about the one who wronged you. Repeat as necessary. 

When you love something you want to share that love with the world. I heard that on TV once, so it must be true. One way to share love is to get other people to eat it without their knowledge or consent. At a junior high school in Wisconsin three kids sleeved a glue bottle with a mayonnaise label and offered it to other students. If I were eating a sandwich and someone offered me a jar of anything, I would throw my lunch in their face and yell “Rape!” It seems these kids still have a lot to learn. They smeared glue on their bread, ate it, got sick and their parents filed a lawsuit. Maybe instead of suing they should've talked to their children about the obvious life lesson from this incident - never trust anyone. In Georgia two thirteen year old girls served their class glue-laced cornbread. Again, never believe anyone who acts like they’re doing something out of kindness. More than a dozen kids became ill and the two girls were charged with attempted murder. Apparently the punishment for attempted murder is 12 months probation and a written essay on what you learned. It was probably something about using non-stick cookware.

There was once a girl who wasn’t too jazzed about being a girl. Her name was Susan and she lived in a make-believe land called “Canada.” She liked to call herself Adam and was boyish enough to escape most scrutiny. One day her girlfriend’s dad discovered he was really a she. The relationship was threatened due to the father’s stubborn unwillingness to have a dike for a daughter. Love's fires burned too hot for Susan to give up and she knew there was only one sensible thing to do - kill a 61 year old man, cut off his genitals and glue them to her crotch, proving once and for all that she was a real boy. She also killed a 15 year old kid for the same reason a night before, but his pickle didn’t cut the mustard, so she went for the gray meat. What a waste! Anyone who gets in the way of a good time is a dick, which goes for her girlfriend’s gully-blocking dad. Susan could have glued his feet to her crotch and had the biggest dick in all the land. Of course, the girlfriend would then have to be penetrated with her entire father serving as a surrogate penis. That would probably make family photos difficult to shoot.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially if she’s got a handful of glue. Four women in Wisconsin were charged with assault after they lured a man into a motel room and glued his penis to his stomach. One of the four women was his wife, two were girlfriends and one was the sister of one of the girlfriends. I’ve seen pictures of these women and none of them are preferable over one another - they’re all hideous. Trading any of them is like trading a rotten fish for a decomposed cow tongue. In a similar case, a woman named Gail in Pennsylvania glued her ex boyfriend’s penis to his stomach, but that’s not all. She also glued his testicles to his legs and sealed his ass shut. The sentence was six months probation. Take a note ladies. When things don’t work out and your partner has proven themselves to be unfaithful, you can manhandle their genitals with glue and only get probation. What else would you do? Kick them out of your life, move on and try to be happy? That’s stupid!

Speaking of glued penises, did you know God titters every time a midget glues his penis to a vacuum cleaner? Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf found this out when his dick was bonded to an apparatus he attempted to fix with glue. In a moment of shortsightedness (ha!), the captain misread the instructional drying time of 20 minutes as 20 seconds. I imagine the captain spends many evenings trotting around stage shaft-deep in a dirt-sucker while people cheer, but it’s when he can’t get it out that he feels humiliated. My favorite part of this story is when he describes his embarrassment as “short-lived.”

If the captain proved one thing it’s that accidents, unlike events going on schedule, are more likely to make interesting stories. In Wauwatosa a boy named Robert died making a model airplane. I’m not sure if he was a fan of model planes, so I can’t rightly say that he died doing what he loved. Anyways, for whatever reason he thought it was necessary to light a match and that’s when the glue ignited in what was probably a poorly ventilated basement. He suffered burns on 53% of his body. A woman named Samantha was driving drunk in the land down under with her two children in the back seat. When she drove through a construction site she ran down a worker named James who flew through the air and landed in a vat of hot glue. She got five years in prison while he received a life with only one leg. Steve who lived in Spencer was having a typical day at the tooth farm when one of the glue tubes became clogged. He stuck a pin in it, but only a little came out, so he squeezed until it ejaculated glue all over his face. In another series of accidents, it seems that humans will one day devolve into a race a blind mammals, just ask Kaushik and Frederic.  

On the other hand, sometimes when things go as planned it can be just as memorable. A woman in Kentucky learned this when she sat on a toilet seat frosted with glue. She was stuck to it for about an hour until paramedics were able to pull her off and get her to a nearby hospital. In terms of having your ass welded to a public shitter, I’d say she got off pretty light. There was a 57 year old man in Australia who wasn’t so lucky. He and the toilet both had to be dislodged from the bathroom of a local shopping center and taken to the hospital, but not before a crowd of gawkers saw him being led away like a throned pharaoh. I’m afraid I can’t empathize with either of them. First of all, the only time I would ever defecate in a public toilet is if it’s a pants-threatening emergency. Public bathrooms are the final resting place of the general public’s collective discharge. Second of all, if I did sit on one, I would put a toilet cover on the seat. If there was no cover, I’d hover. Or go in the middle of aisle 3 next to the feminine hygiene products. 

Alan in Australia partied a little too hard in a public toilet. All he wanted was to walk on sunshine, but instead he huffed a bag of glue into eternal darkness. Tubes of glue hung from his face like Christmas ornaments and he officially died at a nearby hospital. A year later at a glue sniffing party in Texas a kid named Alex was riding the sticky fun-goo so hard he took out a samurai sword and partially decapitated a guy named Richard. One of Richard’s hands was cut off during the incident. When one glue-head named Alex disappears another will take his place. A second Alex in Australia was swimming in glue fumes when he shot a speargun at his neighbor. Maybe he mistook her for a jumping bass. The woman lived, though she did get a spear in the back and two stab wounds. Sometimes other people have to pay for our fun. I'm sure they're guilty of something. If you believe in Karma (I don’t), why not believe that you’re an instrument of it? 

Edmund from Canada (I don’t believe in Canada either) knows how to be an instrument. Sneaking up behind women exiting a mall and pouring instant glue on their nylons is just another way of saying “Hey sexy, are you a Pisces?” Both women suffered minor injuries. Edmund got a year in jail for following his heart’s sticky desire. In a related story, the only interesting person in a twenty mile radius of Portland, OR was jailed for cutting multiple girl’s hair and using glue as styling product. Jared travelled around the country giving young girls sheik new hairdos. He had one particularly busy day in Houston, TX when he glued five girl’s heads while running errands. One of the girls reported that her mane fell out shortly after the incident. I guess that’s why women don’t like getting it in their hair. 

I don’t like children. They’re loud, annoying and they usually smell funny. I’ll concede that their behavior is often learned from  parents who, more often than not, are empty-headed weirdos. An incident that received national attention involved a woman named Elizabeth who lived in Texas. Elizabeth beat her child with a milk jug and glued the girl’s hands to a wall. Mull that over for a moment. She beat her with a milk jug and glued her hands to a wall...you know, sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it. Elizabeth got 99 years to life in prison. After the sentence was delivered Elizabeth actually asked “What about my children?” Don’t worry Elizabeth, the world is full of fucked up people. I’m sure Zelephiene from Maryland can help glue your children into becoming well-behaved adults while you’re away. She’s got a glue gun and is probably out by now. You should see how obedient her students are after she glues their faces and stabs them with sewing tools. And would you believe that some parents don’t glue their kids because they’re trying to instill them with values and discipline? Gene from Detroit glued his daughter’s eyes shut while she was sleeping. He and his wife were fighting because the wife wouldn’t give him money, so the only logical thing he could do was seal his daughter’s eyes shut. It was a brilliantly complex and sound plan not lacking in cunning or subtlety - Step 1.) Glue daughter’s eyes. Step 2.) Wife surrenders money. Too bad the plan didn’t foresee his wife calling the police.

If there’s anything to be learned, which there usually isn’t, it’s to see the hidden possibilities of reality. What is isn’t necessarily what has to be if you don’t want it be. Bond the world in any way you see fit. Nature produces abominations all the time, just look at tapeworms. Why can’t you or I? Who’s to say that you shouldn’t glue someone’s hand to their face or seal their vagina shut? We don’t need to let our good time be ruined by other people’s Puritanical morality. Let’s glue ourselves into a reality that fits our delusions. The only limit is our imaginations and even they can be enhanced with a few huffs from a bag. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a pot of boiling glue, a foam sombrero, a jar of spiders and twenty three fish hooks. Life is about to happen.