People who talk loudly give credence to the term “justifiable homicide.” It seems like every time I’m trying to read, sleep or stare at dust particles someone with a megaphone for a larynx is proclaiming trivialities outside of my window. The way they sashay around, gabbing at unreasonable volumes to a world that doesn’t care is an embarrassment to any organism capable of creating sound. If aliens came to Earth the first thing they would hear is some inconsiderate moron chattering away about what an ambiguous “he” or “she” said and why saying such a thing is “not cool” and “hella fucked up.” The aliens would get back in their ship, leave our planet forever and dash any hope I had of escaping this shit-encrusted world and it’s beady-eyed inhabitants. God I hate loud people! They’re even worse than those half-witted, breathing mannequins who stand in the middle of doorways because they don’t know that a door is a vortex between two destinations and not a place of rest.
Thankfully, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Raymond from Eugene, OR retrieved his shotgun and fired at four people talking loudly outside of his apartment. They were keeping him awake and considering the side-effects of sleep deprivation, I’d say he had just cause. After Raymond unloaded he went back into his apartment, called the police and lit a cigarette. Two of the noise farms ended up in critical condition while one listed as being in serious condition. The forth was treated and discharged. Instead of telling Raymond “Better luck next time” or informing him about nearby shooting ranges where he could practice his aim, the police arrested and charged him with assault! For what? Attempted pest control? Ridiculous!
You know what else is ridiculous? Movie theaters. Why pay eight dollars to sit in a room fuming with the collective bodily stench of two-legged cattle to watch a recycled, uninspired ninety minute shit-reel from an industry that stopped producing consistently passable movies in the the late seventies? Let’s assume that someone is willing to put up with all that and they have no problem watching the current, squishy teleprompters that call themselves “actors.” The last topping to collapse that vomit sundae would be some loud, obnoxious speaker-face commenting throughout the entire flick. James from Philadelphia was trying to enjoy a movie, but some wooly-twat named Woffard (yes, that’s his real name) kept talking out loud. Throwing popcorn at old Woff didn’t have the desired quieting effect, so James took out a gun and shot Woffles in the arm. And what did this war vet get for his attempt at community service? Twenty three months on house arrest and five years of probation! In Kent, WA a guy named Yong slapped a ten year old who wouldn’t shut his pre-pubescent flap-hole. Some say that Yong was wrong, but I say that kid deserved to get gonged. When Yong first approached the loud kid and his friends, he told them to stop talking and throwing popcorn. The children, who shouldn’t be allowed in public anyways, laughed and continued their annoying behavior. That’s when Yong did what the kid’s parents should have done - smacked the rude out of him. The fact that Yong was charged with second degree assault instead of getting his own talk show will bother me until the day I die.
At this point I think it’s become obvious that people who talk loudly exist within a class of stupid all their own. Is it any wonder that loud-talking is a side effect of serious head injuries? I’m sure someone out there is saying, “No, this isn’t true you jerk! I just have a large larynx. I came from a family where everyone talks loud!”
I’m sorry, but my ears are now bleeding after enduring your booming pleas to my non-existent sense of empathy. I’ve been stuck on this paragraph for twenty five minutes because I can’t get your skull-grating voice out of my head. Who’s the jerk now? If you don’t think loud people are stupid, consider the case of Richard, who I will refer to as “Dick” from this point forward. Dick was a fugitive dicking-around in Delaware. He was wanted on two open warrants in Maryland as well as failure to appear in court for felony theft and violating probation. Intelligent fugitives of justice know the key objective in remaining free is to keep attention away from oneself. So how did Dick get roped in? Fellow patrons at the Traveler’s Rest motel heard him talking loudly on his cellphone. Dick was so loud that the other motel guests were able to learn who he was, leading them to call the police. Authorities were finally able to get their hands on Dick.
It would be one thing if loud people would admit they’re annoying and say “Pardon me” when the decibel level of their voice rises to absurd heights. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Not only do loud talkers not feel shame, they seem to take pride in being irritatingly loud, especially when they’re in groups. There was a guy named Ralph from Queens who experienced this firsthand. Ralph was a Viet Nam vet, but I doubt the war-ridden jungles he experienced could adequately prepare him for the horrors of being around loud people. He was riding a subway from Manhattan to Wall Street on his way to work as a souvenir vendor. During the trip, he had the misfortune of being within earshot of eight girls clucking away at the sound barrier. According to Ralph they were so loud that “You couldn’t hear yourself think.” He turned to his friend and said, “Those girls must be retarded because they can’t hear each other talk.” I’m going to have to disagree with Ralph. Although it’s natural to hear someone talking loudly and assume they’re retarded, I don’t think it’s accurate. Retards are far more enjoyable to be around than loud people. Even though retarded people can get loud from time to time, rarely are they loud all the time. Yep, mongoloids are superior to loud people. Anyways, the loud bitches heard what he said and began beating Ralph until one of them stabbed him in the shoulder. While being taken away by police, many of them were smiling, flashing gang signs and generally being loud cunts.
Obviously, there’s no way we can co-inhabit the world with loud people. They will never show consideration towards the rest of us. If we allow this to continue, they’ll never stop blasting the bass of their shitty music or talking loud enough for anyone in a five mile radius to hear. Something should be done about these subhuman amplifiers. For the sake of our collective ability to relax and enjoy a quiet evening without the fear of shattered eardrums, I think I know what action needs to be taken:
Funnel Face Speech Therapy
Speaking into the narrow end of a bullhorn allows the sound of one’s voice to become louder as it travels through the horn’s conical shape. The sound vibrations do not scatter. Instead, the vibrations stay together before exiting the horn. If we were to reverse this process, the sound of a person’s voice would become fainter. The horn would still keep the sound vibrations together, but since the person is speaking into the wider end of the horn their voice would have a narrow escape, limiting the decibel level that projects into the open air. Clearly we can all benefit by strapping the wide end of an oil funnel to the faces of loud people everywhere. Not only will we be spared onslaughts of loudness, but the aesthetic value of our social landscape will be vastly improved. Loud people will look like creatures out of a Bosch painting. Who wouldn’t want that?
Given the newly found muted speech of the former loud person, it may be difficult to read their moods and emotions. To rectify this problem, we will attach a balloon to the narrow end of the funnel. As the speaker gets worked up, the balloon will expand. As the balloon gets bigger, the speaker’s emotional state will be visible to the other person. When the speaker relaxes, the balloon will gradually deflate. If the speaker gets emotional or excited enough to pop the balloon, they will have to register for a new one with city hall since all balloons will be confiscated to avoid fraud. If a person pops four balloons in a month they will be issued a citation that could result in a four hundred dollar fine and/or up to three months of incarceration.
Funnels will have to be worn at all times, but balloons may be removed for meals, so long as the wearer documents the duration of time in their funnel log. Since the person can’t take off their funnel, food will have to be mashed into a trough. The loud person will put their head in the mush and suck it up through the meager hole in their funnel. Some people will naturally question the necessity of using a trough. The trough will house enough mashed food for up to fifteen loud people. I believe that watching them peck at mush like the birds they are will provide a great source of entertainment to nearby elderly bench-sitters.
In a patronizing effort to strictly enforce the funnel law while simultaneously paying lip-service to individual freedom, we’ll allow loud people the option of bypassing the funnel with surgery. After signing a voluntary medical release form, the loud person will be prepped for operation. The doctors will knock them out and begin work on tightening the patient’s larynx. I have no delusions about this procedure - many people will probably die from it. However, there are more than enough people overpopulating the planet, so all’s well that ends well. Then again, maybe not. Honestly, I don’t think many people will go for the surgery. The odds of dying are high and there aren’t too many brave folks out there. As such, we’ll have a lot of plastic beak-faces walking around.
There’s absolutely no reason we should accept things as they currently stand. The problem of loud people can be resolved with a little effort. Let’s make a law and enforce it. I’m not usually the type of person who advocates laws or encourages following said laws, but these loud people have gone too far. With each passing day the auditory holocaust of their collective voices continues to wear away at the sanity of others. They know what they’re doing and they don’t care. These people declared war on us the second they opened their amplifying orifices. What’s the point of living if the quality of life is consistently downgraded by people who are too dumb to realize what a terrible place they make the world? Freedom of speech protects what a person says, not how loud they say it. If we’re not brave enough to control these vermin who broadcast everything to everyone, we’ll live in a world where our ears and sense of ease are assaulted on a daily basis. This is their fault. They brought us to this point and that’s not very nice.
