The Knockdown Game

When will the human race acknowledge that it’s exceeded capacity? You know something’s wrong when you bump into ugly shirt-stuffers every time you walk down the street. An overflowing populace isn’t humanity’s only problem, though it does seem to be the root of all other problems. One drawback is people’s efficiency. Why do they walk so fucking slowly? 

Have you ever sat on a bench and watched them dawdle? It’s like a sick joke nature played on the world for no purpose other than its own amusement. Any other creature who moves sluggishly in an exposed environment would be destroyed and eaten, as they should be. Meanwhile, people barely manage a lazy shuffle and, despite all logic, continue to live. Where are the man-eating tigers when you need them? 

Whenever I walk down the street my personal space is violated by waves useless parrot-catures. I can’t keep my nerves in line. My breath is running short. These people are consuming all the oxygen while exhaling dead air that smells like pickles and dog shit. My heart is thumping towards self-destruction. The left side of my body is going numb. They’re all closing in, imprisoning me in a sea of ugliness. Their faces smile, scowl and look indifferent all at the same time. The exterior of my brain rots away, leaving a dying core that claws at my skull and screams for escape. Claustrophobia is achieved. A panic attack is on its way. 

After wedging through the crowd and finding a pocket of uncontaminated air, I realize there is a better way. I can’t stop people from polluting the world with their obnoxious spawn. All people need is a possibility and they’ll jump to it. Peoples ability to queef out a slimy cunt-monkey is enough justification for them. Why bother questioning it? Overpopulation? Nobody cares about basic multiplication. “Just Do It” is the motto they live by. 

Nor can I get them to pick up the pace. No matter how many times you tell them to move it, they’ll simply give you a blank stare as they struggle to prevent drool from escaping their muzzles. There’s no point in speaking to them. The best reply you can hope for is a clump of half-words that recklessly form a meaning by coincidence. 

Like these thoughtless ham-spores, I’ve found a way to breeze through life without giving myself an aneurysm. Why let them bother me when I can knock them down? If you were taking a stroll down the block and a wall of trash stood in your way, what would you do? You’d knock it down and keep walking. This is exactly what we should do with people who stand in the way. If they’re inconsiderate enough to keep the cattle train from moving, they deserve to be knocked to the ground. 

Halfwits who don’t understand the purpose of a door are the worst example of walkway blockage. For their benefit, let me explain - a door is a passage between two locations. When one uses a door, they’re trying to get from one place to another. This complicated idea also applies to open entrances and exits without a barrier. Alas, there are an excess of people who think it’s acceptable to stand in the middle of a doorway and mindlessly chatter with their fellow idiots. Do not tolerate them. Kick them in the back and watch your problems collapse to the floor. Walk over them to demonstrate how a door is supposed to be used. Maybe they’ll learn something, though I wouldn’t count on it. 

I’ll often pass through a door and into a street where I’ll see far too many people for comfort. Have you ever tried walking around in public, only to be blocked by some hideous cow and her five children? I know I have. The mother barely moves at a snail’s pace while her dippy offspring buzz around her like bees circling a hive. Not only is your path blocked, but loud kids are also nipping away at your knees. 

What mockery of justice allows such a travesty to occur? Instead of delaying your day, kick the kids to the pavement and knock the irresponsible ovary monster into a nearby trashcan. At least then they would realize that other people exist. Blocking a sidewalk should be a crime punishable by sterilization. Why pass on your obnoxious habits to a new generation? I doubt these human roadblocks are real people. What kind of person obstructs a path designated for movement? 

Another hurdle in our walkway is irksome drunks, especially when they’re in groups. They’ve poured enough booze into their craws to convince themselves that they’re fun and interesting, but they could never drink enough to persuade me to like them. Not only are they loud and sloshy, but they stumble and vomit and piss in their pants, which would be fine if they weren’t blocking my way. The only redeeming quality booze bimbos possess is their inability to stay balanced. With hardly any force, you can ram one of them in the shoulder and watch the merriment of their tumble. Double points are to be had if they soil themselves after the fall.

Perhaps the most obvious form of sidewalk obstruction comes from old people. This is especially inexcusable. After all their life experience they should know better than to block progress, yet they always seem to be in the way. I don’t want to hear any nonsense about not being able to move fast - that’s why Segways were invented. To be fair, Social Security is a stroke or two away from being permanently hospitalized. Many old people can’t afford Segways. That’s all good and fine, except for the fact that roller skates exist and they’re relatively inexpensive. Imagine the gaiety of seeing rolling fogies pass you by on your way to the store. Plus, roller skates, unlike computers, have been around since the 1760s, so there’s no excuse for human artifacts not to know how they work. Old people without wheels are fair game.

With different types of assholes to knock down there are, inevitably, various ways of barreling into them. Here are a few of the most effective methods:

The Battering Ram - This is where you get good traction and run for a few steps before slamming your shoulder into their back. The best aspect of this move is that they never see it coming. Mixing that quality with the amount of force involved means that they will go down nine times out of ten. Do not use this move on someone bigger than yourself. All you’ll do is look silly and likely suffer a grievous beating. 

Buckling Down - This technique is a two-parter. First, you walk up behind someone and kick in the back of their legs, buckling their knees to the ground. From here you’re free to ram into them with either your knees, elbows or shoulders, depending on your height. The great thing about this maneuver is that unlike the battering ram, it works on people twice your size. The legs, especially around the knees, are a vulnerable area; feel free to exploit them. 

The Bugs Bunny - This is where you distract the person with either auditory or visual stimuli. For instance, you can throw fire crackers in front of them or hurl expired cottage cheese at the back of their head. Once they’re distracted, knock them down in a manner of your choosing. What makes this method unique is that it doesn’t just knock them to the ground, but also knocks them around on a mental level, leaving you feeling superior in both intellect and mobility. 

Obviously, an act as meaningful and joyous as knocking people down has endless possibilities. Inspiration can arise from any situation, so be aware of your surroundings and pursue all available options. Perhaps the person in front of you is approaching a crate which you can use to expedite their fall. Maybe they have one leg noticeably longer than the other. As with everything else in life, it’s imperative not to be stifled by established rules. Anything is possible. 

As with all things that are fun, there will be people who’ll argue against the knockdown game. They’ll say things like, “Der, what...um, like gives you the, er, right to, uh...to knock people down?” 

My right comes from my desire to live a life unbridled by other people’s sloth and stupidity. Is there any injustice greater than being held back by someone who shouldn’t be in front of you? Probably, but I only care about injustices that affect me personally. Everyone else is on their own. Think of all those precious minutes being wasted as lazy sex byproducts hinder your journey through life. Time is precious. You have places to be and other people shouldn’t be a factor. Don’t they know that the donut shop closes in twenty minutes? 

Besides, I wouldn’t be able to hear their protests; I’d be too busy walking on them. Their curses and pleas would fall on deaf ears as my mind dreams of open fields and unpopulated valleys. I can’t whistle, but I can hum songs of praise as I knock over charity collections blocking my entry to the grocery store. Empathy? Compassion, like the bodies on the sidewalk, just gets in the way of a good time. And why aren’t they scorned more often for stifling movement? What causes a person to be so complacent that they halt progress? Do they have a pre-disposition to live in stagnant waters all their life? It doesn’t matter. They’ll keep doing it. Thankfully, the only time they shine is when they’re stepping stones.