I’m not telepathic. I wish I was, but regardless of how many how many midgets I kidnap and dress up as leprechauns, life simply isn’t made of wishes. If I did have telepathic powers, I’d beam auditory transmissions of howler monkeys vomiting through megaphones to everyone I come in contact with. Why? Just to fuck up their day. What better use of a psychic ability could there be than to spoil everyone’s good time? I suppose telepathic powers could get me a talk show, but then I’d have to wear lavender suits and pretend to care about people’s problems.
There are people who claim to be telepathic. Since I’m not inside the sand dunes that comprise their minds, I can’t say with confidence that they’re lying, though I assume they are when they act like normal, caring people. Powers like reading minds and sending brain messages would only be used for tomfoolery. Have you seen the people walking around outside? If they can’t use minimal brain functions to create a semi-dignified existence, wouldn’t extra abilities only exacerbate their ridiculous tendencies? The upright reptiles in front of CVS would use telepathy as an excuse to steal a truck and turn the parking lot into a zoo, and we know what kind of people go to the zoo.
Lawrence from Rockford was headed to the zoo, looking for boys to help him explore his animal instincts, when psychic intervention halted his quest to the Neverland animal prison. Justin Bieber, the world’s most obnoxious penis mitten, telepathically instructed Lawrence to try his luck at the local high school instead. The Biequeefer’s mental voicemail paid off. Lawrence, to his finger-slithering delight, happened upon a boy’s swim meet. Riverside police found him mentoring his inner child in the bleachers. He told the officers he was there to watch his own kids, which probably raised more questions because of the trauma salami in his hand. Lawrence was charged with one count of disorderly conduct and one count of criminal trespass. Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment, but I doubt the testimony of a waxed muppet prostitute would hold up in court.
The pool boy incident highlights a glaring problem within the realm of telepathy. Unreliability should be expected from most, if not all, people. Bieber telepathically nudged Lawrence to fondle himself to swimming schoolboys, so why didn’t that wiggling jizz casserole have the courtesy to transmit a mental memo warning Lawrence of the impending police cock block? Because Justin Bieber doesn’t care about his fans, that’s why. Though middle-aged pedophiles adore the manufactured blowup doll from the mythical land of Canada, Justin Bieber doesn’t give them even a fraction of the consideration they shoot into their sweatpants for him. Just because a talentless pop stain (or anyone else) gives you a telepathic command, doesn’t mean you should trust them. They’ll bail on you the moment cops arrive, leaving you in the back of a police car as they skip off to their next televised embarrassment.
Daniel from Maple Grove should learn this life lesson. He was smoking pot and minding his own thoughts when he received a telepathic message from someone urging him to destroy their apartment. The sender of the message told Daniel to come over and break all their stuff, which only sounds unusual to people who can’t hate inanimate objects. Daniel, being of a helpful nature, finished his bowl and went to the apartment. A woman said she saw Daniel jump from the balcony of one apartment to another before smashing through the sliding glass door of his desired location. The apartment was vacant. I’m sure Daniel assumed the occupant was out buying sledgehammers and chainsaws for the long work ahead of them. Daniel, showing the highest levels of gumption, began work early, breaking everything in the apartment and tossing the wreckage through shattered door.
One would think that such a prompt response and dedicated work ethic would result in gratitude, but no. People are ingrates. The apartment’s resident told police that he didn’t give Daniel permission to enter his abode, leaving Daniel holding the telepathic bag. Daniel was charged with second degree burglary because of this person’s wishy-washy nature. If only Daniel knew not to trust people, he wouldn’t have been punished for his humanitarian efforts. Obviously, telepathic people are predatory by nature. Sometimes they take your freedom and credibility, but sometimes they cross that invisible moral line and usurp something more dear to you than any ideal - your money.
A telepathic couple in Vietnam advertised their ability to telepathically locate lost war casualties and scammed families out of thousands. Nguyen and his wife, Man, charged people around $4,700.00 each for locating a total of 105 graves filled with deceased war pulp. The graves were filled with animal bones that Nyguyen and Man would bury before “locating.” I can’t say whether it was grief, stupidity or a combination of both that led people to believe the remains were human, but I do know that greed would be the downfall of Nguyen and his Man-wife. Nguyen began working with the state-run Vietnam Bank for Social Policies, assisting them in locating missing soldiers presumed dead. Since government, in every form, is the biggest scam of all, Nguyen found out the hard way that you can’t scam a bigger scammer when he and his lovely Man were taken into custody.
This story of animal carcasses and family reunions may lead one to believe that all telepaths are lazy and conniving, but I think the case of Rockefeller would prove otherwise. Clark Rockefeller, a German man, abducted his seven-year-old daughter, known to her family as “Snooks,” in Boston. During a supervised visit, Rockefeller knocked down a social worker, bundled his little Snooks and drove away with her. Snooks was found six days later and returned to her mother, Ms. Boss. Rockefeller claimed that Snooks was sending him telepathic messages, urging him to take her away from the Boss. Rockefeller, unlike the Vietnamese necro-matchmakers, was not lazy. The prosecutors stated that he had spent months meticulously planning the abduction, proving how little one can accomplish with enough effort.
To further illustrate how much the telepathically inclined help the world, consider Mark from Parkersburg. Everyone in town thought Ed Thomas, the high school football coach, was a normal guy. Mark knew better. Mark knew that Thomas was Satan in disguise. I can believe that Satan would come to Earth in the form of a high school football coach. Any grown man who wears shorts, blows a whistle and is content with bossing around teenagers must be an affront to God. Mark stated that Ed “Big Red” Thomas raped him and brainwashed him through telepathy. Thinking only of other people’s safety, Mark stole a gun from his parents and murdered the devil. The bible, written by schizophrenic desert wanderers, says many things that overlap and contradict one another, so it wouldn’t be surprising to find a passage saying that Satan could be vanquished with an earthly firearm.
Unfortunately for Mark, our justice system is run by godless heathens who don’t appreciate someone ridding the world of evil. Mark was arrested and charged with first degree murder. This leads to the question of how much telepathic abuse someone can suffer before putting a bullet through their tormentor. Could a steady stream of telepathy be enough to make someone famished for murder? Since people kill one another for doltish reasons everyday, I think the question is easily answered, but if we need more proof we can always turn to Ireland.
Martin from Thurles committed the rare crime of parricide when he stabbed both of his parents in their sleep. I assume he shanked them with a sharpened shillelagh. According to his statement, everyday became a battleground. He received an endless amount of telepathic messages. At the time, he thought his parents were bad, but he later told the court that his parents were decent people, leading one to believe that his telepathic communications had at least waned during the trial. And why not? Even intangible head voices don’t want to waste their day in court when they can drink and look for pots of gold.
Telepathic stabbings seem to be common on the other side of the Atlantic. In England, a country filled with snooty placenta suckers and nouns that sound made-up on the spot, an eighteen-year-old student in Chorlton (also known as Chorlton-cum-Hardy) was stabbed to death by a man from Bracknell. Imran Hussain said the young man telepathically lobbed racial slurs into his mind. Before the stabbing, Imran took a blade from his parents home and travelled to Chorlton, laying waste to his claims of diminished responsibility. The fact that Imran cleaned the blade and changed his clothes after the attack didn’t help his claim of insanity either, but for all we know those actions could have been commanded by different telepathic communications. At least now when someone tells you you’re being racist you can look them in the eye and confidently tell them it’s all in their head.
Despite the abundance of telepathically-controlled criminals, telepathic influences don’t always lead people to commit violence. Sometimes, brainwave dispatches alone can victimize someone. Meloney from Utah claimed that she was telepathically raped by her neighbor on several occasions. Those wacky women are always crying telepathic rape. Even though Meloney looks like the illegitimate offspring of a sock puppet who got hate fucked by a frog, she believes her neighbor had to have her swampy brainhole. She comes from the land of magic underwear and golden plates, so it’s not hard to see why she would believe such a thing or how she could persuade her husband to believe it. After convincing Michael, her husband, that such mental violations had occurred, he took a handgun they kept under their pillow and shot the neighbor twice in the back. The neighbor lived, cursing Utah’s population to be mind raped by someone who doesn’t call himself a prophet.
I’m left to wonder what constitutes a telepathic rape. Is it merely the projection of non-consensual images or does the mind actually have to be penetrated by fuzzy brain rays? Obviously, this is a serious and complex problem that demands our immediate attention. Whatever pyramid schemes the government is currently developing should be put on hold while we deal with this issue. Who’s to say someone won’t project lewd thoughts into your brain at the library? Safety from telepathic rape can only be achieved through legislation.
It seems that in a world of telepathic criminals, average people are helpless. We’ve seen solutions to this menace fail in the past. Tin foil hats, for instance, do not block telepathic mind beams as advertised. Everyone knows that heat makes metal expand and telepathic brain waves are about as warm as the defrost option on a microwave. Naturally, the tin foil hats expand when exposed to telepathy, leaving creases and openings for the telepathic waves to seep through. This is simple physics. I’m pretty sure they review this topic in high school science classes. Even though I always went to class stoned I remember it perfectly. The only reason this isn’t advertised is because it would bankrupt the economy by putting the tin foil industry out of business.
As with all problems, the solution comes from within. Conflict is the fuel of the universe. Telepathic criminals need to see that their influence has results. These results are initiated by actions. The only way to prevent action is a firm resolve towards inaction. The next time your brain is under siege by suggestions or vulgarities from telepathic sadists, send your own transmission. Of course, not any transmission will do. The message your brain needs to repeat to your would-be attacker must be one that will make them see the uselessness of their endeavor. Based on what I’ve seen from the comments sections of online articles, the best method would be to endlessly repeat your stupid political opinions. The telepathic attacker will instantly grow bored and flee for more interesting horizons. I know I would.
No comments:
Post a Comment