Lick It

Is there anything people won’t lick?

Aside from putting their grubby hands on everything, people also feel the need to lick anything in sight. And I do mean anything. Humans think they’ve evolved beyond other mammals, but their numerous tongue escapades say otherwise. Make no mistake, everyone you encounter is a salivating predator itching to lick every part of your non-consenting epidermis. Everyone. And they won’t stop with you. They’ll lick any inanimate object and cover the world in tongue sludge. 

In 2012 a heel named Anthony was cruising for kiddie tootsies at a library in Rochester, NY. An employee saw him licking a young girl’s feet. Anthony was charged with two counts of sexual abuse and is suspected of five similar foot-licking occurrences in nearby areas. With a case like this, a lame excuse was sure to follow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he said that his tongue landed on the girl’s foot after he tripped. Fortunately, Anthony’s explanation was a lot more entertaining. While leaving court he claimed innocence and said he was being set up by the president and federal government. 

Despite common misconceptions, the government doesn’t kidnap targeted individuals and torture them. Don’t look at those tinted vans abducting homeless people; those are just nearsighted child abductors. When the government really wants to destroy its domestic enemies, it orchestrates events that portrays the target as a foot-licking weirdo. They harness the power of microwave beams to control a person’s cavity receptors and issue neurological impulses that command the subject to lick feet and make a spectacle of themselves. Look it up on Wikipedia. I haven’t, but I’m sure it’s there. 

Of course, things don’t always go right. Last week one of the government’s foot-licking drones malfunctioned and blew the whole operation. Alecia from Nashville tried to pull her neighbor’s pants down. When the neighbor ran to her apartment, Alecia followed. Once Alecia caught up to her, she began groping the woman and demanding access to her tongue-teasing feet. She also ordered the neighbor to fetch her five-year-old grandson so she could lick his feet too. The woman pushed Alecia out of her apartment. Alecia came back and smashed her neighbor’s window with a Lysol can. The feds obviously need to recalibrate their microwave signals. 

People don’t only lick things because their brain waves have been zapped by shadowy institutions. Some people let their tongues graze because they care. For example, Zhang, a zoo caretaker in China, saw a monkey suffering from constipation. Zhang would stop at nothing to remedy the pain. He did this by licking the monkey’s butthole. 

According to the story, visitors tossed the monkey a peanut. Since the primate was only three months old, it didn’t have a full set of teeth. It swallowed the peanut. Constipated, desperate and unable to medicate, there was only one thing to do. Zhang sprang into action and licked the monkey’s anus for over an hour. The peanut was finally defecated. Reality proves itself to be completely subjective everytime an animal’s life is saved by an interspecies rimjob.

Of course, not every tongue mutant licks for such noble causes. Across the sea from China, the Japanese have turned licking things into a series of fads. A few years ago, eye licking was all the rage. Large segments of Japanese youths were doing what teenagers do best - using their tongues for stupidity. Not surprisingly, this led to several cases of eye infections. Undeterred, eye-licking practitioners continued the act, claiming that it made them feel tingly and turned on. I’m left to assume they don’t have party drugs in Japan. Nonetheless, Japan does offer the world dancing robots and vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties, so eye licking isn’t that unusual for them. 

At around the same time, another internet fad from the land of the rising tongue involved girls being photographed while licking doorknobs. Due to censorship, penises aren’t on display in Japanese porn. This is why logical substitutes like tentacles and doorknobs are used. Maybe knobs in the professional shoots were sanitized, but I doubt the girls posting knob-polishing selfies thought to clean them. Although, if you’re bobbing a knob, I doubt good hygiene is at the top of your priority list. If this results in a case of hairy tongue, beware. From what I understand, monster tentacle dicks hate rug burn. 

Since eyeballs and doorknobs aren’t tuna, I think the Japanese assumed they would be safe to lick. A few years before licking fads caught on, the Tokyo fish market had to temporarily ban tourists. Sightseers, no matter where they’re from and where they go, can always be counted on to act like brainless sunstroke victims on salvia. The incident that sent the fishmongers over the edge occurred when a British tourist licked the face of a tuna. 

Aw, the British. Is there anyone those food-boiling mushmouths can’t irritate? The ban was lifted shortly after the incident. Tourists are now educated with brochures on how to behave around tuna. Not that they should have to be told. Any heterosexual man can tell you nothing good comes from licking tuna. Lesbians seem to love it, which is baffling to say the least.

One pattern I’ve noticed is that most acts of tongue knavery are fueled by the accolades of uncaring peers seeking a cheap laugh. Sometimes it comes in the form of a girl’s sleepover. Despite popular mythology, girls don’t actually make out and have tickle fights. Young ladies today enrich their feminine bonds by daring each other to lick toilet seats. Every young girl realizes what true friendship is when her ovarian sisters convince her to tongue swirl the rim of a porcelain shitter.

But teenage tongue hijinks aren’t limited to girls. In 2012 a video of a boy licking a subway handrail in NYC spread like online chlamydia. Urged by the hurrahs of his idiot bromosexuals, the kid licked the handrail’s entire surface. It’s common knowledge that guys jerk off in subways, so I can only assume this lad was famished for secondhand dick. Or maybe it was the hefty bounty offered by his subway companions - a whopping $1.00. He has a promising future as a discount prostitute. 

As much as I would love to dismiss teenagers as hormonally-retarded troglodytes who’ll lick anything, the sad fact is that this behavior is learned. Older generations are leading by example. When your life instructors are Baby Boomers and Gen Xers, you’re probably not going to develop into an intelligent person. Although, you will get plenty of tutorials on how to squander every available resource and learn the art of whining about how hard life is. 

A four-year-old girl in El Paso, TX received a life lesson of sorts when she entered a public bathroom. She was immediately followed by Marcellous, a fifty-four-year-old homeless man. Marcellous exposed his unwashed stick and bindle to the girl and shook it at her. Maybe he wanted to put on a puppet show and couldn’t find a sock. That still wouldn’t explain why he licked the girl’s face and quickly left the bathroom. I’m not sure if you can become homeless from being exposed to transient saliva. For the girl’s sake, let’s hope not. You can’t pay for therapy sessions with a cup of loose change. 

Clearly, licking things that should go unlicked transcends generational gaps. Did you know it also travels beyond death? A couple of years ago, a Swedish woman was arrested for keeping human skeletons in her apartment. Police discovered photos of her licking the craniums. In one photo, she grazes her tongue across a skull’s exposed teeth. The woman kept images of her dome-licking dalliances on discs labeled “My necrophilia” and “My first experience.” Madame Skull Licker claimed that she bought the skeletons online. The web’s digital playground really does bring the world together. For some reason, people who romanticize the internet’s ability to connect humanity never mention necrophiliacs. 

Her story is so empowering. The “creepy” adjective is often thought to be cornered by men. It’s refreshing to see a woman come out and prove that being creepy knows no gender. A woman can inspire nausea just as well as any man. This woman is a hero for equality. You go girl!

Given all the evidence, it’s apparent that the human tongue is a disgusting abomination. It looks like a swollen clitoris after collagen injections. I’m almost certain mother nature was huffing computer duster when she designed it. Combine this filthy organ with mankind’s inability to control itself and you’ve got a recipe for an embarrassing disaster. It’s time that humans, as a whole, admit to themselves how terrible those moist flaps inside their mouths are and remove them en masse. No longer would anyone have to worry about being licked or having their property licked. Plus, I wouldn’t have to hear anyone speak and that would be pretty nifty.

India: Land of Frivolous Suicides

Suicide is like smoking PCP on a roller coaster. It’s your life and your choice, yet other people stick their noses in and offer unsolicited advice. If I wanted their opinions, I’d kill enough brain cells to think like them. Other people don’t know they’re the reason suicide is such a tempting alternative to living. 

As much as I don’t like people, I do enjoy using them for my entertainment. I don’t want to commit suicide, but if I did, I’d make it as memorable as possible. I’d rent four horses and take them to Knott’s Berry Farm. Once the steeds are fed a sufficient amount of amphetamines, I’d shove hooks into my flesh and chain them to the horses. Then I’d whip the foals in different directions, ripping my flesh off in the process. I’d sing and dance, delighting young and old alike with my skinless antics. Eventually, my organs would splatter on Snoopy’s feet and I’d die of massive blood loss. 

I understand why some people kill themselves. They’ve lived half their life, or more, and nothing has improved. In fact, everything gets worse everyday. Sounds become louder and more invasive. Their sense of taste is dulled to a faded layer of metallic film. Only their sense of smell gets stronger. Everything reeks of sweating bodies and rotting food. It enters their nostrils and destroys their brain. Everyone they meet is ugly, boring and they always have some passive-aggressive agenda. Every relationship is a nightmare. Every attempt at human contact is a failure. Nothing ever works out. Each day they slide further into poverty and isolation. Their minds have halted because trying is no longer worth the effort. Every sensation feels like it’s been smeared with novocain. Every muscle is nearly dead from atrophy. When there’s no point, there’s nothing worth hanging onto. 

Or maybe they commit suicide because dad wouldn’t let them take the bike out.  

This was the case of Jayant in Bangalore. He and his friends were all set to go to Wonder-la for a day of pubescent theme-park tomfoolery. Jayant’s dad, being a big, unreasonable meanie, told Jayant that he couldn’t take the two-wheeler out. Instead, he advised his son to take the bus to Wonder-la. Devastated by the injustice of such parental abuse, Jayant huffed and puffed and lynched himself from the ceiling fan. The real tragedy in this story is that he didn’t turn the fan on before croaking. If only he could’ve been discovered circling in midair. That would’ve made a great gif!

For some reason, India has a lot of frivolous suicides. Jayant’s case isn’t unique. In fact, it’s not even one in a few. It’s known that India has some of the world’s highest suicides rates, especially among teenagers. What’s not recognized is that many cases of self-annihilation in India are caused by minor inconveniences. When looking through world news, I’ll often see a story about a young Indian girl who hangs herself because she can’t by new clothes or because her dad told her not to watch TV. Sometimes, I’ll see a more interesting story, like the Indian guy who set himself on fire because of an argument he had with his wife over food preparation. The one thing these stories have in common is that they’re all caused by trivial events. 

At their worst, these cases represent unchecked sensitivity, entitlement and stupidity. Before anyone says it’s cheap and easy to make fun of someone who’s dead when they can’t defend themselves, I’d like to add that it’s also rewarding. I don’t have to hear their idiotic rebuttals, which makes it the perfect argument.

To be fair, India isn’t the only country with frivolous suicides. They just seem to have a lot more of them. Before proceeding with a buffet of featherbrained, dot-headed suicides, let’s take a brief look at vapid acts of self-destruction in other countries. 

England - Vanity Suicides

In 2013 a woman named Frances suffered from emotional turmoil so extreme that she hung herself. Her body was found eighty miles from town in the woods. So what set her off? A bad hair day, that’s what. Frances was convinced her hair was turning ginger. At least she didn’t live to see her face turn blue.

In 2013, Danny tried to off himself when he couldn’t take a perfect selfie. He spent his days at home, taking up to two hundred selfies a day. When he realized his fanatical dream of an idealized selfie was unattainable, he attempted to OD. His mom saved him, which means he failed at two things that day.  

United States - Partisan Suicides

In 2004 Mr. Veal, a philandering, liberal vegetarian, blew his head off at Ground Zero with a shotgun. He was so distraught over the reelection of G.W. Bushwhack that he drove to New York from Georgia and killed himself. That’s a lot of work and emotion to dish out for a mentally-challenged male cheerleader for shadowy world powers. 

In 2012 a gay, conservative tanning-salon owner in Florida killed himself because B.O. Barackus was reelected to the office of exalted figurehead. Hamilton intentionally overdosed on Xanax and Seroquel. He scrolled the message “Do not revive! Fuck Obama!” on his will. I wonder if it would’ve eased Hamilton’s anxiety to know that Obama is George W. Bush in blackface. 

Kenya - Soccer Suicides

In 2013 a man in Kenya jumped from the seventh story his apartment complex after his favorite soccer team lost a game. John Macharia, not realizing how boring of a sport soccer is, decided it was worth killing himself over. This wasn’t the fist soccer suicide in Nairobi. Another fan hung himself in 2009 when his favorite team lost. After the 2013 incident, Nairobi’s County Police Commander actually had to go on record and state that fans should not kill themselves over soccer matches. 

We’ve now established that India isn’t the only country with citizens attempting suicide over frivolous nonsense. They just have more of them. I can’t say if it’s the long hours of working tech support or being denied cheeseburgers that prods them into trivial suicides. Maybe it’s just the way their four-armed god fashioned them. Either way, they seem to have a low tolerance for life. In all fairness, if I thought I was coming back to live multiple lives, I’d probably kill myself just to get on with the show.

For Aditya in Sriramanagar, the show wasn’t permitted to go on. He had a song in his heart and a burning desire to belt it out, however, it was not meant to be. In 2011, the 21-year-old college student’s parents banned him from singing at a concert. If one can’t sing, it stands to reason that life is no longer worth living. Aditya went to his room and hung himself. He probably wouldn’t have made a good singer anyways. Good musicians don’t listen to their parents. 

Parents always try to ban everything. It’s like they want their kids to commit suicide. Just ask Aishwarya from Parbhani. Actually, you can’t. She’s dead. The 17-year-old knew that life was a waste when her passion was cruelly snatched away from her. Aish’s parents heartlessly banned her from using Facebook. Don’t they know that people need Facebook to escape their sad lives? Don’t they see how people rely on it to fabricate third party validations in the form of “likes”? Of course they don’t, which is why Aish hung herself. It’s unreported how “likes” her suicide got on Facebook.

Another girl from India hung herself in her bedroom because her mother told her to stop using Facebook. Many women and young girls in India kill themselves over Facebook. At first glance, it would seem that Facebook makes people retarded. The fact is, social media prolongs life. Sure, the quality of that life plummets faster than a suicide jumper, but it lasts longer. Who cares about quality? Bed pans, life support and Facebook - that’s what living is all about. 

But it’s not just Facebook. In general, parents are a bunch of killjoys who don’t know how to have a good time. That’s why they never kick down money for booze and drugs. In Delhi, a 22-year-old named Rakesh hung himself because his mother wouldn’t give him money to drink himself into a life-affirming stupor. In Mangalore, an 18-year-old named Sneha hung herself because her parents wouldn’t finance her drug habit. 

These two incidents leave me quite bewildered. Asking your parents for anti-sobriety funds and killing yourself when they refuse? When did it go out of style for addicts to suck dick for their fix?

If anyone could’ve benefited from putting their mouth to work, it was Narsingh. The congress leader from the Agar constituency should’ve realized that the only way to get ahead in politics is to give some head. But no, Nar was denied a poll ticket in the election, which lead him to swallow poison instead. He died in the hospital shortly after. Though he tried to lead in life, I think it’s death that will make him a true inspiration. If every politician followed his example, the world would be a much better place. 

The world would also be a better place if movies would get to the theatre on time. Vishnu could attest to that. Apparently, the four-armed god came to earth in the form of a 20-year-old construction worker. His purpose among mortals was a noble one - watching actor Vijay’s movies right when they hit the big screen. Unfortunately for the creator god turned mortal movie fanatic, the film was delayed screening because some protest group did what protest groups always do, which is whine about dumb shit and irritate anyone who actually tries to do something constructive with their lives. Distraught over not being able to see his favorite actor’s new film, Vishnu went home and hung himself. It was probably easier than having to slit all four of his wrists. 

When it seems the suicides can’t get more frivolous, a man kills himself because a crow sat on his head. Anand, a 23-year-old engineering student, poisoned himself because a crow sat on his head twice in the same day. Instead of celebrating his new flying hat, Anand freaked out and snuffed himself shortly after. As a Hindu, he saw the crow as a bad omen. Hindus believe that crows house the souls of people who’ve committed suicide. If an ominous, soul-imprisoning crow scares you, the most logical course of action is to commit suicide and become crow food. 

I’m not one of those life-affirming boners who goes around saying “Life is precious.” That’s because life isn’t precious for everyone. Some people have good reasons for committing suicide. And for the record, suicide is not “the coward’s way out.” There’s nothing cowardly about leaving behind familiarity to enter the unknown. However, if you do plan on ditching life, it may be worthwhile to have a good reason for it.

Or at least go out with some dignity. 

If someone killed themselves simply because they were bored with life, there would be nothing to make fun of, as long as they remained calm and composed during the process. Getting hysterical and offing yourself because you didn’t like dinner will ensure your last moments are reduced to a punchline. One would think this would be self-evident, but it obviously isn’t. For whatever reason, suicides inspired by triviality are on the rise in India. Maybe this pattern will peak hard enough to issue a decline. Or maybe its volume will spread to other countries. I’m not sure. What I do know is that if this trend continues, every suicide in India will be accompanied with a blooper reel and laugh track.