Suicide is like smoking PCP on a roller coaster. It’s your life and your choice, yet other people stick their noses in and offer unsolicited advice. If I wanted their opinions, I’d kill enough brain cells to think like them. Other people don’t know they’re the reason suicide is such a tempting alternative to living.
As much as I don’t like people, I do enjoy using them for my entertainment. I don’t want to commit suicide, but if I did, I’d make it as memorable as possible. I’d rent four horses and take them to Knott’s Berry Farm. Once the steeds are fed a sufficient amount of amphetamines, I’d shove hooks into my flesh and chain them to the horses. Then I’d whip the foals in different directions, ripping my flesh off in the process. I’d sing and dance, delighting young and old alike with my skinless antics. Eventually, my organs would splatter on Snoopy’s feet and I’d die of massive blood loss.
I understand why some people kill themselves. They’ve lived half their life, or more, and nothing has improved. In fact, everything gets worse everyday. Sounds become louder and more invasive. Their sense of taste is dulled to a faded layer of metallic film. Only their sense of smell gets stronger. Everything reeks of sweating bodies and rotting food. It enters their nostrils and destroys their brain. Everyone they meet is ugly, boring and they always have some passive-aggressive agenda. Every relationship is a nightmare. Every attempt at human contact is a failure. Nothing ever works out. Each day they slide further into poverty and isolation. Their minds have halted because trying is no longer worth the effort. Every sensation feels like it’s been smeared with novocain. Every muscle is nearly dead from atrophy. When there’s no point, there’s nothing worth hanging onto.
Or maybe they commit suicide because dad wouldn’t let them take the bike out.
This was the case of Jayant in Bangalore. He and his friends were all set to go to Wonder-la for a day of pubescent theme-park tomfoolery. Jayant’s dad, being a big, unreasonable meanie, told Jayant that he couldn’t take the two-wheeler out. Instead, he advised his son to take the bus to Wonder-la. Devastated by the injustice of such parental abuse, Jayant huffed and puffed and lynched himself from the ceiling fan. The real tragedy in this story is that he didn’t turn the fan on before croaking. If only he could’ve been discovered circling in midair. That would’ve made a great gif!
For some reason, India has a lot of frivolous suicides. Jayant’s case isn’t unique. In fact, it’s not even one in a few. It’s known that India has some of the world’s highest suicides rates, especially among teenagers. What’s not recognized is that many cases of self-annihilation in India are caused by minor inconveniences. When looking through world news, I’ll often see a story about a young Indian girl who hangs herself because she can’t by new clothes or because her dad told her not to watch TV. Sometimes, I’ll see a more interesting story, like the Indian guy who set himself on fire because of an argument he had with his wife over food preparation. The one thing these stories have in common is that they’re all caused by trivial events.
At their worst, these cases represent unchecked sensitivity, entitlement and stupidity. Before anyone says it’s cheap and easy to make fun of someone who’s dead when they can’t defend themselves, I’d like to add that it’s also rewarding. I don’t have to hear their idiotic rebuttals, which makes it the perfect argument.
To be fair, India isn’t the only country with frivolous suicides. They just seem to have a lot more of them. Before proceeding with a buffet of featherbrained, dot-headed suicides, let’s take a brief look at vapid acts of self-destruction in other countries.
England - Vanity Suicides
In 2013 a woman named Frances suffered from emotional turmoil so extreme that she hung herself. Her body was found eighty miles from town in the woods. So what set her off? A bad hair day, that’s what. Frances was convinced her hair was turning ginger. At least she didn’t live to see her face turn blue.
In 2013, Danny tried to off himself when he couldn’t take a perfect selfie. He spent his days at home, taking up to two hundred selfies a day. When he realized his fanatical dream of an idealized selfie was unattainable, he attempted to OD. His mom saved him, which means he failed at two things that day.
United States - Partisan Suicides
In 2004 Mr. Veal, a philandering, liberal vegetarian, blew his head off at Ground Zero with a shotgun. He was so distraught over the reelection of G.W. Bushwhack that he drove to New York from Georgia and killed himself. That’s a lot of work and emotion to dish out for a mentally-challenged male cheerleader for shadowy world powers.
In 2012 a gay, conservative tanning-salon owner in Florida killed himself because B.O. Barackus was reelected to the office of exalted figurehead. Hamilton intentionally overdosed on Xanax and Seroquel. He scrolled the message “Do not revive! Fuck Obama!” on his will. I wonder if it would’ve eased Hamilton’s anxiety to know that Obama is George W. Bush in blackface.
Kenya - Soccer Suicides
In 2013 a man in Kenya jumped from the seventh story his apartment complex after his favorite soccer team lost a game. John Macharia, not realizing how boring of a sport soccer is, decided it was worth killing himself over. This wasn’t the fist soccer suicide in Nairobi. Another fan hung himself in 2009 when his favorite team lost. After the 2013 incident, Nairobi’s County Police Commander actually had to go on record and state that fans should not kill themselves over soccer matches.
We’ve now established that India isn’t the only country with citizens attempting suicide over frivolous nonsense. They just have more of them. I can’t say if it’s the long hours of working tech support or being denied cheeseburgers that prods them into trivial suicides. Maybe it’s just the way their four-armed god fashioned them. Either way, they seem to have a low tolerance for life. In all fairness, if I thought I was coming back to live multiple lives, I’d probably kill myself just to get on with the show.
For Aditya in Sriramanagar, the show wasn’t permitted to go on. He had a song in his heart and a burning desire to belt it out, however, it was not meant to be. In 2011, the 21-year-old college student’s parents banned him from singing at a concert. If one can’t sing, it stands to reason that life is no longer worth living. Aditya went to his room and hung himself. He probably wouldn’t have made a good singer anyways. Good musicians don’t listen to their parents.
Parents always try to ban everything. It’s like they want their kids to commit suicide. Just ask Aishwarya from Parbhani. Actually, you can’t. She’s dead. The 17-year-old knew that life was a waste when her passion was cruelly snatched away from her. Aish’s parents heartlessly banned her from using Facebook. Don’t they know that people need Facebook to escape their sad lives? Don’t they see how people rely on it to fabricate third party validations in the form of “likes”? Of course they don’t, which is why Aish hung herself. It’s unreported how “likes” her suicide got on Facebook.
Another girl from India hung herself in her bedroom because her mother told her to stop using Facebook. Many women and young girls in India kill themselves over Facebook. At first glance, it would seem that Facebook makes people retarded. The fact is, social media prolongs life. Sure, the quality of that life plummets faster than a suicide jumper, but it lasts longer. Who cares about quality? Bed pans, life support and Facebook - that’s what living is all about.
But it’s not just Facebook. In general, parents are a bunch of killjoys who don’t know how to have a good time. That’s why they never kick down money for booze and drugs. In Delhi, a 22-year-old named Rakesh hung himself because his mother wouldn’t give him money to drink himself into a life-affirming stupor. In Mangalore, an 18-year-old named Sneha hung herself because her parents wouldn’t finance her drug habit.
These two incidents leave me quite bewildered. Asking your parents for anti-sobriety funds and killing yourself when they refuse? When did it go out of style for addicts to suck dick for their fix?
If anyone could’ve benefited from putting their mouth to work, it was Narsingh. The congress leader from the Agar constituency should’ve realized that the only way to get ahead in politics is to give some head. But no, Nar was denied a poll ticket in the election, which lead him to swallow poison instead. He died in the hospital shortly after. Though he tried to lead in life, I think it’s death that will make him a true inspiration. If every politician followed his example, the world would be a much better place.
The world would also be a better place if movies would get to the theatre on time. Vishnu could attest to that. Apparently, the four-armed god came to earth in the form of a 20-year-old construction worker. His purpose among mortals was a noble one - watching actor Vijay’s movies right when they hit the big screen. Unfortunately for the creator god turned mortal movie fanatic, the film was delayed screening because some protest group did what protest groups always do, which is whine about dumb shit and irritate anyone who actually tries to do something constructive with their lives. Distraught over not being able to see his favorite actor’s new film, Vishnu went home and hung himself. It was probably easier than having to slit all four of his wrists.
When it seems the suicides can’t get more frivolous, a man kills himself because a crow sat on his head. Anand, a 23-year-old engineering student, poisoned himself because a crow sat on his head twice in the same day. Instead of celebrating his new flying hat, Anand freaked out and snuffed himself shortly after. As a Hindu, he saw the crow as a bad omen. Hindus believe that crows house the souls of people who’ve committed suicide. If an ominous, soul-imprisoning crow scares you, the most logical course of action is to commit suicide and become crow food.
I’m not one of those life-affirming boners who goes around saying “Life is precious.” That’s because life isn’t precious for everyone. Some people have good reasons for committing suicide. And for the record, suicide is not “the coward’s way out.” There’s nothing cowardly about leaving behind familiarity to enter the unknown. However, if you do plan on ditching life, it may be worthwhile to have a good reason for it.
Or at least go out with some dignity.
If someone killed themselves simply because they were bored with life, there would be nothing to make fun of, as long as they remained calm and composed during the process. Getting hysterical and offing yourself because you didn’t like dinner will ensure your last moments are reduced to a punchline. One would think this would be self-evident, but it obviously isn’t. For whatever reason, suicides inspired by triviality are on the rise in India. Maybe this pattern will peak hard enough to issue a decline. Or maybe its volume will spread to other countries. I’m not sure. What I do know is that if this trend continues, every suicide in India will be accompanied with a blooper reel and laugh track.
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