Lick It

Is there anything people won’t lick?

Aside from putting their grubby hands on everything, people also feel the need to lick anything in sight. And I do mean anything. Humans think they’ve evolved beyond other mammals, but their numerous tongue escapades say otherwise. Make no mistake, everyone you encounter is a salivating predator itching to lick every part of your non-consenting epidermis. Everyone. And they won’t stop with you. They’ll lick any inanimate object and cover the world in tongue sludge. 

In 2012 a heel named Anthony was cruising for kiddie tootsies at a library in Rochester, NY. An employee saw him licking a young girl’s feet. Anthony was charged with two counts of sexual abuse and is suspected of five similar foot-licking occurrences in nearby areas. With a case like this, a lame excuse was sure to follow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he said that his tongue landed on the girl’s foot after he tripped. Fortunately, Anthony’s explanation was a lot more entertaining. While leaving court he claimed innocence and said he was being set up by the president and federal government. 

Despite common misconceptions, the government doesn’t kidnap targeted individuals and torture them. Don’t look at those tinted vans abducting homeless people; those are just nearsighted child abductors. When the government really wants to destroy its domestic enemies, it orchestrates events that portrays the target as a foot-licking weirdo. They harness the power of microwave beams to control a person’s cavity receptors and issue neurological impulses that command the subject to lick feet and make a spectacle of themselves. Look it up on Wikipedia. I haven’t, but I’m sure it’s there. 

Of course, things don’t always go right. Last week one of the government’s foot-licking drones malfunctioned and blew the whole operation. Alecia from Nashville tried to pull her neighbor’s pants down. When the neighbor ran to her apartment, Alecia followed. Once Alecia caught up to her, she began groping the woman and demanding access to her tongue-teasing feet. She also ordered the neighbor to fetch her five-year-old grandson so she could lick his feet too. The woman pushed Alecia out of her apartment. Alecia came back and smashed her neighbor’s window with a Lysol can. The feds obviously need to recalibrate their microwave signals. 

People don’t only lick things because their brain waves have been zapped by shadowy institutions. Some people let their tongues graze because they care. For example, Zhang, a zoo caretaker in China, saw a monkey suffering from constipation. Zhang would stop at nothing to remedy the pain. He did this by licking the monkey’s butthole. 

According to the story, visitors tossed the monkey a peanut. Since the primate was only three months old, it didn’t have a full set of teeth. It swallowed the peanut. Constipated, desperate and unable to medicate, there was only one thing to do. Zhang sprang into action and licked the monkey’s anus for over an hour. The peanut was finally defecated. Reality proves itself to be completely subjective everytime an animal’s life is saved by an interspecies rimjob.

Of course, not every tongue mutant licks for such noble causes. Across the sea from China, the Japanese have turned licking things into a series of fads. A few years ago, eye licking was all the rage. Large segments of Japanese youths were doing what teenagers do best - using their tongues for stupidity. Not surprisingly, this led to several cases of eye infections. Undeterred, eye-licking practitioners continued the act, claiming that it made them feel tingly and turned on. I’m left to assume they don’t have party drugs in Japan. Nonetheless, Japan does offer the world dancing robots and vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties, so eye licking isn’t that unusual for them. 

At around the same time, another internet fad from the land of the rising tongue involved girls being photographed while licking doorknobs. Due to censorship, penises aren’t on display in Japanese porn. This is why logical substitutes like tentacles and doorknobs are used. Maybe knobs in the professional shoots were sanitized, but I doubt the girls posting knob-polishing selfies thought to clean them. Although, if you’re bobbing a knob, I doubt good hygiene is at the top of your priority list. If this results in a case of hairy tongue, beware. From what I understand, monster tentacle dicks hate rug burn. 

Since eyeballs and doorknobs aren’t tuna, I think the Japanese assumed they would be safe to lick. A few years before licking fads caught on, the Tokyo fish market had to temporarily ban tourists. Sightseers, no matter where they’re from and where they go, can always be counted on to act like brainless sunstroke victims on salvia. The incident that sent the fishmongers over the edge occurred when a British tourist licked the face of a tuna. 

Aw, the British. Is there anyone those food-boiling mushmouths can’t irritate? The ban was lifted shortly after the incident. Tourists are now educated with brochures on how to behave around tuna. Not that they should have to be told. Any heterosexual man can tell you nothing good comes from licking tuna. Lesbians seem to love it, which is baffling to say the least.

One pattern I’ve noticed is that most acts of tongue knavery are fueled by the accolades of uncaring peers seeking a cheap laugh. Sometimes it comes in the form of a girl’s sleepover. Despite popular mythology, girls don’t actually make out and have tickle fights. Young ladies today enrich their feminine bonds by daring each other to lick toilet seats. Every young girl realizes what true friendship is when her ovarian sisters convince her to tongue swirl the rim of a porcelain shitter.

But teenage tongue hijinks aren’t limited to girls. In 2012 a video of a boy licking a subway handrail in NYC spread like online chlamydia. Urged by the hurrahs of his idiot bromosexuals, the kid licked the handrail’s entire surface. It’s common knowledge that guys jerk off in subways, so I can only assume this lad was famished for secondhand dick. Or maybe it was the hefty bounty offered by his subway companions - a whopping $1.00. He has a promising future as a discount prostitute. 

As much as I would love to dismiss teenagers as hormonally-retarded troglodytes who’ll lick anything, the sad fact is that this behavior is learned. Older generations are leading by example. When your life instructors are Baby Boomers and Gen Xers, you’re probably not going to develop into an intelligent person. Although, you will get plenty of tutorials on how to squander every available resource and learn the art of whining about how hard life is. 

A four-year-old girl in El Paso, TX received a life lesson of sorts when she entered a public bathroom. She was immediately followed by Marcellous, a fifty-four-year-old homeless man. Marcellous exposed his unwashed stick and bindle to the girl and shook it at her. Maybe he wanted to put on a puppet show and couldn’t find a sock. That still wouldn’t explain why he licked the girl’s face and quickly left the bathroom. I’m not sure if you can become homeless from being exposed to transient saliva. For the girl’s sake, let’s hope not. You can’t pay for therapy sessions with a cup of loose change. 

Clearly, licking things that should go unlicked transcends generational gaps. Did you know it also travels beyond death? A couple of years ago, a Swedish woman was arrested for keeping human skeletons in her apartment. Police discovered photos of her licking the craniums. In one photo, she grazes her tongue across a skull’s exposed teeth. The woman kept images of her dome-licking dalliances on discs labeled “My necrophilia” and “My first experience.” Madame Skull Licker claimed that she bought the skeletons online. The web’s digital playground really does bring the world together. For some reason, people who romanticize the internet’s ability to connect humanity never mention necrophiliacs. 

Her story is so empowering. The “creepy” adjective is often thought to be cornered by men. It’s refreshing to see a woman come out and prove that being creepy knows no gender. A woman can inspire nausea just as well as any man. This woman is a hero for equality. You go girl!

Given all the evidence, it’s apparent that the human tongue is a disgusting abomination. It looks like a swollen clitoris after collagen injections. I’m almost certain mother nature was huffing computer duster when she designed it. Combine this filthy organ with mankind’s inability to control itself and you’ve got a recipe for an embarrassing disaster. It’s time that humans, as a whole, admit to themselves how terrible those moist flaps inside their mouths are and remove them en masse. No longer would anyone have to worry about being licked or having their property licked. Plus, I wouldn’t have to hear anyone speak and that would be pretty nifty.