You know it instantly. Looking at it invokes hatred. A tossed salad of genetics stares back at you. Stock footage of train wrecks play in your mind. Words tumble out of their mouths. It’s all babble. You can’t hear anything. It’s not just jumbled, cacophonous ear lard during group conversations. It’s always trivial blather, even when just one of them is talking. Maybe they have something important to say. Who cares? If they wanted to be taken seriously, they’d get facial reconstructive surgery.
I hate people’s faces.
This sentiment doesn’t just apply to ugly people. Have you ever noticed that when someone is ugly, yet they’re also nice and funny, they don’t seem ugly? Too bad pleasant individuals with a sense of humor are virtually nonexistent. Ugly people remain ugly. As for pretty people, their faces turn to shit immediately after they speak. Human physiognomy conforms to emotions and thoughts, assuming there are any. Most people wear a blank stare with an imaginary “Gone Fishing” sign on their foreheads. Sometimes you can see scheming, self-aggrandizing twaddle infinitely pursuing validation from others. They always look satisfied with themselves, which I find unacceptable.
Looking at people is self-abuse. Seeing their faces grinds my stomach, but I look regardless. In the past, I’d stare at the ground when I was out in public. Life became easier. The sea of bowel-clenching mugs was finally gone and I was discovering sidewalk treasure. What more could I ask for? A lot, it would seem. There was too much I was missing out on. Car accidents, illiterate graffiti and homeless tomfoolery were absent from my life. If I wanted entertainment, I’d have to look up.
Besides, why should I have to gaze at the ground? It’s other people who have stupid-looking faces. Why should I be punished for that? They’re the ones with the problem. If they had any decency, they’d cover up. If I were emperor, people would have pictures of kittens hot glued to their faces. Not only would I have something pleasant to look at, but they’d finally be able to take a worthwhile selfie. Just kidding. There has never been nor will there ever be a worthwhile selfie.
Eyes are the first attribute I notice when looking at someone’s neck vomit. The windows to most souls are blemished with smugness and desperation. Beady eyes are the worst. They look like they’re constantly squinting. People excuse their strabismus by saying they’re either blocking light or attempting to concentrate. Neither of these are sufficient justifications. Stare at the sun and take the retina damage like a trooper. As for concentrating, lobotomized jellyfish can focus harder than most of the people I see. Have you ever watched someone attempting to figure something out? It’s like seeing a turtle walk uphill. There is no excuse for pea-sized eyes. Put on a dark pair of sunglasses and stop ruining my day.
And what’s the deal with upturned noses? It looks like the tip of the nose is trying to escape the rest of the face. Every time I see one it’s attached to some rich bitch. I’ve never met anyone below the poverty line who has an upturned nose. Why? I think it’s evolution. The upturned flesh acts like the sight on a gun. It helps opulent twats aim properly when they look down on layaway shoppers. Evolution may endow creatures with greater functionality, but it never seems to make them photogenic. Just ask the anteater. Don’t ask someone with an upturned nose. Asking them would only make them talk and nobody wants that.
When I see another person, I try to imagine them wearing a rotting walrus mask. It’s easier to look at than their actual face. Why bother with laws against nudity when people are allowed to flaunt their abominable head cheese? Have you seen their facial expressions? Fucking gross. Half of them look like they’re trying to keep their sphincter intact. The rest have gaping trough mouths that make a great nesting ground for insects. And they stare. Why do they always gawk at me when I’m trying not to look at them? I had a plan for this situation. It was to raise a mirror whenever I caught anyone staring. In theory, they’d see their own face, recoil with disgust and kill themselves out of shame. As with many great ideas, this scheme was proven unworkable by the internet.
Let’s face it - the web has exacerbated the face problem. Symptoms of nausea, depression and erectile disfunction are common when a heaping mound of cranial waste appears in your image search. Everyone uploads pictures of their stupid faces because debate forums and genital torture porn aren’t making the internet ugly enough. Across the globe narcissistic skin bags fritter away every hour of everyday taking selfies and posting them online. I’m pretty sure so many selfies are taken from a downward angle because the self-absorbed rubes know I’m looking down on them. And they should be looked down upon. They’re ruining the internet in the same way that family portraits ruin shelves. Nothing has ever been improved by attaching a face. Missing persons flyers should have a vague description and nothing else.
Even worse than having your eyes violated by online countenance abortions is seeing a face in person. The vacant deadness of their eyes vacuums into blank stupidity that stares back at you. Hearing wheezing breath puttering out of their noggin’s orifices doesn’t help either. Their drooling, flytrap muzzles salivate to a chorus of idiocy. I’m sick of seeing their noses wince and mouths curl. Plastic surgery may transform faces into rubber glory holes, but at least it paralyzes movement. If you don’t believe me, go to Beverly Hills and throw raisins at someone’s face. They may scream and flail their arms, but their ridiculous cartoon mask will remain perfectly still.
God doesn’t want to see your face and neither do I. Religion may birth imbecilic attire like magic underwear and Catholic fun hats, but it did give us one redeemable article of clothing - the burqa. Men, women, children, transvestites, hermaphrodites and miscellaneous human byproducts should all be forced to wear burqas. Who cares if it turns people into religious extremists? A few national tragedies are worth not having to look at their skull meat. I could eat popcorn and watch explosions all day long, but I simply can’t regard a face for longer than ten seconds. It’s simply too horrible to contemplate.
There may be other problems in the world, but they pale in comparison the facial vulgarity that parades itself so freely. Cover it up. Nobody wants to see your face. If you consider yourself a kind-hearted humanitarian, you’ll hide those ugly genitals dangling from your forehead. Think of the general welfare of those around you. Why do you insist on inflicting your face upon an unwilling public? It’s time to stop. Your face is making people sick and the free clinics only have so much room. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you aren’t somebody. Don’t go outside. Put a blanket over your head and spend the rest of your life playing Scrabble. The world will thank you.
