Destroy All Managers

Is there anything more useless than a manager? That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is obviously, “No, of course not! What kind of stupid question is that? Why don’t you ask me what jelly-filled donuts are filled with while you’re at it?” Settle down sass bag, it was just a question. And you are correct, there is nothing in this world more worthless than a manager. 

A car with square wheels can be used to mix assorted nuts. A pocket with a hole makes for a great wrist warmer. Dead batteries can be hurled at hipsters. Empty beehives can be fashioned into turbans. And yet, a manager will always be a manager. They don’t have the potential to be anything else. How pathetic is that? It might be possible to feel sorry for them if they weren’t walking venereal diseases covered in elephant shit. 

Have you ever seen a manager improve anything? Have you ever witnessed a manager do anything? All I’ve seen managers do is meet with other managers to discuss managing, which they think is a lot to manage. It’s so much to manage that they can’t be bothered to do any actual work. Seriously, what do managers contribute to a company other than an unnecessary drain on the budget?

Employees, who have to validate their presence by actually doing something, tend to have at least a basic idea of what needs to be done on a daily basis. Managers don’t even know how gravity works. If they did, they’d realize they’re dead weight. All they do is get in the way. They expect smart answers to stupid questions. A manager once asked me why I don’t smile more at work. It took all of my self-control not to cut off her head, fill it with baking soda and roll it down a water slide. 

It’s a common misconception that managers earn their positions through intelligence and hard work. Just kidding. It’s not common at all. Managers are the only people who think their positions are the result of merit. All the managers I’ve encountered have been spineless parrots who ape upper management. A few years ago, I worked under a bespectacled seat-stain who had the voice of a llama on whippets. During one fateful meeting, his boss used the word “consolidate.” Like any pseudo-intellectual who discovers a word with more than three syllables, he recklessly threw it into every other sentence he spoke. 

“Hey Joe, we need to consolidate this inventory. It needs to go out tomorrow. These boxes also need to be consolidated”

“You mean put them on a single pallet?”

“Um...yeah, do that. As long as they’re consolidated”

Fucking idiot. Is this what “leadership” is? Mindlessly clucking buzzwords as though they’re a panacea for a limited vocabulary?

Leadership. 

If ever there was a word that made me want to smash someone’s face with a monkey wrench, it would be “leadership.” Managers love this word because it’s a sanitized, dressed-up synonym for “bossy pantload.” Last year, some wince-faced speech fascist started a campaign to “ban bossy” and replace it with “leader.” She even got a few line-readers and music industry puppets to pimp this idealogical snot rocket to the masses on her behalf. To my utter delight, her fumbling attempt at censorship was throughly laughed at by almost everyone. People who would ordinarily obey the feminist propaganda machine and self-censor with glee were unwilling to delete “bossy” from their databases. 

Not that I was surprised. The world is filled with people and institutions that would like nothing more than to stifle an individual’s freewill. As numerous as they may be, none of them are as tangible as a manager. You may hate governments, corporations, modern slave traders and celebrities, but none of them will sabotage your personal existence quite like your manager. When the time comes to vent your frustrations, you want as many words as possible in your arsenal. 

Most people have a boss and I’m quite sure most of them wish they didn’t. Self-described “leaders” are nothing more than pushy, passive-aggressive, micro-managing, credit-stealing overseers with delusions of grandeur. They lick the right heels and nod their heads at appropriate times. If done correctly, they’re given a title that they bandy about and wear with a sense of pride that borders on parody. At least when blowfish puff themselves up, they’re doing it for survival. Managers only do it to inflate their already bloated egos. 

Being a sycophantic blowhard is always justifiable under the banner of “leadership.” But what does it mean to be a leader? If you’re unfortunate enough to see the world through the eyes of a manager, it means:

• Scurrying like a petrified crawdad whenever upper management questions you about anything. 

• Reprimanding your staff for violating arbitrary company policies that you yourself violated less than an hour ago. 

• Finding the most trivial way to criticize your employee’s performance on a job that you can’t/won’t do. 

• Stealing credit for your staff’s ideas. Since they work under you, everything they do can magically be attributed to you (unless they fuck up, of course). 

• Convincing yourself that working hard means slithering out of your office once or twice a day to look over your employee’s shoulder and nit-pick everything they do. 

• Having three hour meetings (jerk off sessions) with other managers to talk about management, managing and managerial practices. 

• Speaking to your employees in a condescending tone because you know that honest communication about a project would reveal your lack of knowledge on the subject. 

• Believing that your staff are nothing more than tools for your will while denying that you are the biggest tool in the office. 

And they know you have to take it. Outsourcing jobs, hiring immigrants for slave wages and developing staff-reducing software does more than maximize profits. These “efficiency practices” also keep the workforce desperate and dependent. The market isn’t hospitable to any pursuit of happiness or job satisfaction. Your managers are well aware of the fact that you have nowhere else to go, which gives them the freedom to rule over you in such a nerve-grinding way. You think the economic crash and dwindling job market is an accident? The shadowy puppet masters at the top planned it this way to keep all the working stiffs in line. 

But don’t grab the noose and razor just yet. Despite it all, there is one thing you can do - declare war on your manager. To do this, you’ll have to be subtle and crafty. As joyous as it would be to slam chards of glass into your manager’s face, you’d be jailed before you could savor their thrashed neck hat. If you ruin your life in the pursuit of destroying theirs, you’ve lost the war. Remember - there are cameras everywhere. Not only that, but the company will always take the manager’s word over yours. 

If you want to win, you’ve got to analyze your work environment, your manager’s idiosyncrasies and all of the possible ways you can devastate their day without it being traced back to you or your motives. Reach into the office fridge for your lunch. Spread your palm and “accidentally” grind your manager’s sandwich into an inedible mess. If there’s an email that displays your manager’s incompetence, reply to it and cc their boss. When your frantic manager asks you why you included their boss on the email, tell them you thought you were saving them time since they have to report everything to upper management anyways. If possible, gradually mix dog shit into the soil of their potted plant. Pay a homeless guy to have sex with the door handle of their car. There are as many possibilities as there are drones in the sky. 

Above all, do not feel sympathy for them. They’ve been lowering the quality of your life for too long, so it’s only fitting that you should lower the quality of theirs. Make no mistake, they started this war and now it’s up to you to finish it. Rise to the occasion and consolidate their ineptitude into misery. Be a vessel for the chaos that flows throughout the universe and unleash it on that overbearing status addict. Two wrongs may not make a right, but the second wrong feels orgasmic and that’s reason enough to destroy their cringeworthy version of reality. The pleasure you get from rupturing their swollen sense of self-importance will surpass any promotion they could, but probably won’t, give you. 

If they can manage to hold back their tears, you’ve still got a ways to go. If not, feel free to high-five the remaining smug from their face and take an extended lunch break. You’ve earned it!