“Do you get it? Huh? Huh? It’s a joke! I was kidding.”
If you ever feel the need to tell me a joke, just gargle battery acid and swan dive down a flight of stairs instead. If you live, repeat as necessary until you’re dead and twitching. That’ll make me laugh for sure. I’ll totally titter over your mangled corpse and you can die with validation.
What’s with all these people who think they’re funny? Is it a form of mass-hypnosis where they’re blind to how lame they are? Why would they embarrass themselves by talking?
Every full moon or so, some random birth defect tries to make me laugh. What compels them to make contact? Can they not feel the invisible barrier I’ve manifested between us? They’re not funny, they never have been funny and they never will be funny. This doesn’t stop them from trying.
What went wrong? Maybe they failed at being smart, interesting or skilled at anything. Maybe someone made the horrendous mistake of telling them they’re funny. Then they ran with it because they’re too stupid to know that other people’s opinions are worthless. People shouldn’t be allowed to speak in public.
As always, human beings are the problem. Other people feel obligated to laugh whenever some unfunny clod belches out stupidity. It’s always the same laugh - heh, heh, heh. I refuse to be complacent with comedic failure. I stare them straight in the eye, not making a sound, until they get uncomfortable and leave.
People get pissed when you don’t laugh at their vapid word dump. They act like you just raped their child with an oil drill. Stay firm and don’t substantiate their existence by speaking to them. Words are for intelligent lifeforms. The failed joke teller will leave after a moment of silence. It’s a scientific fact that stupid people are repelled by quiet environments. Silence gives them hives, radioactive eye inflammation and gargantuan anal tumors that eventually grow heads.
I take extreme offense to them expecting me to laugh. Who are they to expect anything? What have they done for me? Knit me a glow-in-the-dark sombrero out of gummy worms and maybe we’ll talk. On second thought, we won’t talk. Just leave the hat and go away.
I’m also offended, nay - morally outraged, that they would attempt to forge some type of camaraderie with me. Not only are they trying to pressure me into laughing at something that’s clearly not funny, they’re also trying to turn me into their giggle buddy. Do I look like I need a sidekick? If I wanted a friend, I’d imagine one. Admiral Wombat Paws, the imaginary three-eyed giant death cat, is funnier than you could ever hope to be. He also meows with lasers, so suck on that.
“Geez, lighten up and get a sense of humor,” they say.
Fuck you, doofus. Why don’t you darken up and get a brain transplant. I have a sense of humor, which is why I’m not mechanically chuckling at your idiotic brainarrhea. You can’t always describe why something is funny, but I’m pretty sure I can explain why what you said is NOT funny.
To start, there’s usually no setup, punchline or delivery. It’s just some stupid observation spoken in a loud, annoying voice. Loud does not equal funny. “It’s a hot one!” Shut the fuck up, megaphone. Thermometers don’t need to talk. Stand outside and I’ll calculate the weather by how long it takes you to get a heat stroke.
People are unoriginal. They use stock punchlines and expect you to chortle in your pants. Stock punchlines are disposable, mass-produced quips mindlessly affixed to any sentence.
“Can I get that without cream, please?”
“That’s what she said!”
“Really? Because she told me that you slap your micropenis with a baby rattle and cry to ABBA songs.”
“Wha-huh?”
Don’t have a snappy retort? Go watch some more shitcoms. Be sure to take notes. You’ll find something else to rip off in no time.
Or you can watch Jon Stewart. His whole comedy career is based on reacting to video clips. He’s like Bob Saget for pseudo-intellectuals. His style of comedy is so easy that it can be broken down into the following equation:
SPV (stupid person on video) + ER (exasperated reaction) = Political Satire
“OMG! Look how exasperated he is by what that moron said! That’s sooo funny! LOL!”
The video clip does all the work, but you get the comedic credit. It’s perfect turnkey humor for lazy attention whores.
Still too much work? Try irony. Irony lets you feel clever without the hassle of being intelligent. Hipsters, art fags and trendy fuckwads everywhere squirt involuntarily at the mention of irony. When someone tells you how unfunny you are, just say that the point of the joke is actually how not funny the joke is and that’s what makes it funny. It’s not stupid, it’s ironic.
Whatever path you choose, don’t try your tedious material on me. I’m sick of people lobbing their unsolicited shit humor in my direction. Nobody’s funny. Nothing makes me laugh anymore. Comedy is dead. I’m going to take everything seriously and start a blog about social issues. Then I’ll kill myself so there’s one less know-it-all cunt in the world. Feel free to make an internet meme of my death and LOL yourself into a permanent coma.
