When phrases like “trigger warning” emerge, historians should mark the occasion as a new chapter in mankind’s continuing slide towards becoming a cluster of frightened gerbils. Trigger warnings have been popping up on what nettlesome hollow-domes refer to as the “interweb” for years, but I live most of my life offline, so I’ve only just heard of them. Trigger warnings (often abbreviated as “TW”) are short descriptions of triggering subjects placed after the article’s header and before the body. They give away the content, proving once again that spontaneity is something that should be abhorred. It’s done in the name of empathy, which doesn’t make sense. Empathy is a tumor on the brain’s prefrontal cortex. Why would anyone dedicate anything but a scalpel to it?
I can see why the bland and stupid alike delight in trigger warnings. Like other precautions, they take the guesswork out of life. Unpredictable events are scary and confusing. How can a person be expected to anticipate a cup of coffee being hot, a shiny floor being slippery or some things on the internet not being agreeable with their sensibilities? It’s not as though they can control what they type into a search engine or anticipate the content of an article based it’s title. Predicting imminent subjects brought on by their own typing? People aren’t psychic. Most of them can’t even figure out how to use a self-checkout lane at the grocery store.
Feminism is the radical notion that women can silence detractors by shouting over them. Along with asinine compound words such as “(insert noun or adjective) shaming” and “(insert noun or adjective) privilege,” trigger warnings were nuggets of cerebral mildew thrust onto the internet by feminist bloggers. When I looked up trigger warnings, the first site I found was geekfeminism.wikia.com. The “wikia” part of the web address made me take pause, as I knew the most noxious levels of ineptitude were sure to follow. I pressed on regardless, willingly subjecting my mind to the theoretical slop trough that is feminist writing. When I read the following sentence, I was triggered with fantasies of mass genocide:
That’s right - trigger warnings may, in and of themselves, inspire triggers in trauma survivors. According to this mutilated logic, the courtesy warning is a potential linguistic predator raping a reader’s cognitive wellbeing, but it’s put into place anyways because, um....patriarchy! That’s why! Of course, actual results are of no concern to the “equality” broadcasters. What matters is committing oneself to empty gestures that, while never accomplishing anything of substance, will lead the rest of the femitwits and social justice Tumblr-tards to nod their barren heads in collective approval. Sensitivity is the trend of today. Forget writing about something intelligent, funny or interesting. If you can muster up enough outrage over life’s frivolous details you get to hang with the internet’s cool kids.
Trigger warnings don’t help trauma survivors because anything can be a trigger, even the word “trigger.” For instance, if someone was nearly raped around a bunch of greeting cards, wouldn’t they freak out every time they pass a Hallmark store? I don’t see anyone putting trigger warnings on greeting cards. Apparently, our insensitive world doesn’t care about these victims. Maybe it’s too bothersome to fit a warning next to a flying half-naked baby mass-murdering people with arrows. Warning or no warning, I’m pretty sure the triggered trauma pile would slip into hysterics during the holidays.
One of the defining staples of feminism and online social justice egalitarians is that they’re always wrong. Given this objective and completely non-biased truth, it comes as no surprise that the best way to help people with PTSD is by doing the exact opposite of using trigger warnings. Prolonged Exposure (PE) Therapy, if you can’t guess from its name, exposes a patient to triggering stimuli over a prolonged period of time. Numerous studies have proven that PE has the most empirical support in the treatment of trauma patients. By being consistently exposed to their trauma, the patient is, overtime, desensitized and the effects of their PTSD are reduced. Trigger warnings, on the other hand, encourage avoidance coping each time they’re used. The act of avoiding creates stress and anxiety, not to mention a sheltered life. This anxiety only gets worse with time, leading one to fly into a frenzy over the most trifling of circumstances.
At this point I’m sure trigger warning advocates would say something akin to:
“Yeah, well, whatever! It’s not like trigger warnings are being forced on anyone. Patriarchy!”
Oh, how wrong they are.
UC Santa Barbara’s student senate recently proved why democracy doesn’t work. The “senators” passed a resolution requiring professors to issue trigger warnings for material that may prompt negative vibes in a fragile mind. Naturally, colleges are meant to cater to the weakest of intellects. Sitting in a stew of sentiment-drizzled bile is a provision stating that students who opt out of attending class for the day, because they’re so traumatized by words and pictures, will not be docked points. I’m sure no one will abuse that entitlement.
This isn’t an isolated incident. Students who haven’t been thrust into the dying workforce and don’t know how lucky they are to attend college have taken to whining about icky topics. The Great Gatsby is so fucking traumatizing. People die and someone commits murder and suicide! OMG!
Oberlin University published a document stating that their professors should use trigger warnings in the classroom. Apparently, mandating a sphere of abstract safety is what colleges now consider “higher learning.”
Remember when adults used to bitch about how young people were too wild and outrageous? Reality is once again turned inside out. Students are now whining that their stuffy old professors aren’t sensitive enough. This is the one thing about the trigger warning craze I can see something positive in. For years professors have preached the virtues of tolerance and being open-minded. Now they’re forced to tolerate the most imbecilic levels of hypersensitivity an open mind can plop out. Eaten by their own philosophy - hilarious!
Don’t think this will stop with blogs and classrooms. In the spirit of the PMRC, who, in the eighties, successfully pushed to mandate warnings or “Tipper Stickers” on album covers, the trigger warning crowd won’t let up until they get their way. They’ve gathered their numbers and they’re pushing for change. This is known as “mob rule.” Over at Change.org, a website used by busybodies to force their beliefs on others, a petition to put trigger warnings on TV has been underway for some time. I’m pretty sure that TV shows already put content descriptors before a program starts, but they don’t contain the actual words “trigger warning,” so they must not be sensitive enough. In our society of coddlers and do-gooders, I’m sure they’ll eventually succeed in getting trigger warnings placed on TV. I’m also sure these trigger warnings will issue the same bounty of rewards that the PMRC’s “Tipper Stickers” have produced. In other words, none.
To summarize, the argument for trigger warnings against evidence of their uselessness breaks down in the following cycle:
“Trigger warnings help people with PTSD.”
Ten seconds later....
“Okay, maybe they don’t help people, but it’s not like they’re being forced on anyone.”
Ten seconds later...
“Do what we say you ignorant bigot!”
A question I’ve wasted barrels of time on keeps infesting my mind, especially in cases like this. Why would someone systematically try to control and dictate their own thoughts? What compels a person to self-censor the ideas floating through their noggin? Unless it’s acknowledged, the idea will keep manifesting itself. A man denying his homosexuality will, inevitably, see a phallus in nearly every object he encounters. I’m not sure what the female equivalent would be. Perhaps damp wedges would fill her world. A person denying their feelings of hatred and ugliness will unknowingly act like a cunt to everyone. It’s funny that in this epoch of human history people consider themselves so open-minded and educated, yet they’re still trying to chase away the evil brain demons.
It makes me wonder how far this fad will go. Stupid ideas, like a virus, don’t take a rest. They consume and ruin anyone and anything foolish enough to accept them. The way I see it playing out is universal trigger warnings for everything. In order to up the ante in their poses for empathetic chic status, the social justice brigade will have to show their dusty predecessors of yesteryear how compassion is really executed - by issuing a trigger warning for all nouns and verbs.
Hence, we will be blessed with trigger warnings whenever a fire-haired jester tries selling happy burgers to kids because somewhere, at some point in time, someone was probably raped by a clown. Treadmills will come with trigger warnings because it’s likely that someone has tried to commit suicide while working out. Don’t snicker, it’s true. A segment of the world’s exercisers have body issues and people with body issues get depressed and people who get depressed sometimes try to kill themselves. So why not put a warning on exercise equipment? What about walking? You better believe the act of walking will come with a trigger warning. People get attacked when they walk all the time. Some people shit their pants while speed walking. Either way, it’s a traumatic experience and they should be encouraged to build walls around those memories.
Indeed, I don’t think the trigger warning dictators will stop until every conversation begins with “trigger warning.” This is how a typical work discussion will go down:
“Trigger Warning: What I’m about to say may trigger panic attacks in anyone who’s ever experienced work-related stress, paper cuts or sexual assault with rolled up documents.”
“Anyways, did you print out the monthly sales report?”
Response:
“Trigger Warning: What I’m about to say may trigger panic attacks in anyone who’s ever experienced depression due to severe levels of disappointment that have somehow led to sexual assault.”
“Like I was saying, the printer’s still offline. I emailed IT about it twice, but I haven’t heard back. They’re probably out to lunch for the fiftieth time.”
Though it’s reworded and expressed in different terms, the act of telling other people what they want and need has been around since civilization’s birth. As always, it’s practiced by elitist pseudo-intellectuals who consider themselves the world’s only enlightened voices. Unfortunately, most people are too dumb to question anything, especially if it’s a warm, fuzzy sentiment that enforces symbolic gestures and rejects analysis, so they go along with the ridiculously self-serving and obviously flawed empathy wagon, lest they be called a big meanie. In doing so, they make themselves complacent as they look towards condescending warnings that protect them from the horrible act of thinking.
Why would anyone try to navigate away from negative thoughts? I love negative thoughts. Their ability to destroy the weaker minds of the world titillates my sense of wonderment. And no, I won’t give a warning when I laugh at the wreckage of your former bubbled existence. In all fairness, I will yell “Bombs away!” when I flick dumpster cheese at your tear-stained face.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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